Summer School 1/3: The Joneses are having more fun

In my interviews with contented couples I heard from several people who explained that previous relationships had floundered because they had not been ready for a mutual and lasting bond. They needed to grow and develop themselves in order to make a better choice and also, crucially, to bring a more mature self to the table. One interviewee had been determined to approach her next relationship with care and so when she got together with her next partner and they spoke about marriage, she insisted on their going to a marriage preparation course. Her partner was initially against this but then found it so worthwhile he suggested that they sign up to be mentors for the next intake of couples. Another interviewee spoke of taking some years off from relationships to take stock of herself – and used journaling and relationship workshops to support that aim. She described coming to her next relationship (the lasting one she was in) with a different set of expectations – no longer looking for a needy person to care for, no longer needing to have that maternal role which had always worn thin within a few years. Journaling, workshops and marriage preparation classes are all ways we could get to know ourselves better and this is a key step in loving ourselves better. Journaling has been used across the centuries by people who want to know themselves better and is tool available to anyone: How to start journaling. Treating ourself with loving kindness does not mean excusing whatever we come up with, but, like a good parent, responding with kindness at the same time as holding ourselves to account. This kindness to self allows us to make friends with ourselves and when the war between parts of the self is damped down there will be more integration, less to hide and more self-esteem. Almost every psychological and spiritual path encourages self-knowledge and self-acceptance, which means there are many places we can turn to find support and accompaniment in that process. Learning to listen honestly to the self is also key and for some discernment we need to learn stillness and the capacity to be with difficult feelings as they arise in us. This capacity to stay close to our experience and observe it equips us to distinguish between developmental and defensive parts of the self. Perhaps a developmental part of me can be curious about things I find difficult – be that managing my temper, keeping up with my share of the domestic jobs, or handling my disappointment about things outside of my control. A defensive part of me is not really interested in owning my behaviour and understanding how, at some level, it serves me. That part thinks it can protect me by excusing me and laying the responsibility elsewhere. The contented couples in my study all demonstrated the developmental urge to discover more about themselves and their partner. They had lapses of course and they all described how they could get caught in escalating cycles if they responded in a knee-jerk way to triggers. One couple were especially clear about how much they valued this quality of responsibility in each other and cited this as the key quality they felt had enabled them to be fulfilled as a couple. As they put it: I think both of us are willing to take responsibility for our own stuff. Maybe not at first [laughing] maybe there’s some defensiveness or not wanting to look at stuff at first, but I think ultimately that’s in there – that both of us are willing to see our part in it - that it takes two to tango and it’s not just the other person’s problem. Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck? By Anne Power, published by Confer Books 2022

Where knowledge is uncertain, myths abound. In one myth couples have more sex on holiday and in another they have less. One of these is probably true but I’m calling them both myths because they claim certainty about a phenomenon which is very hard to measure and thus any claims are suspect. What we can do is look at factors which might mean that holidays impact the amount, and possibly the quality, of sex that couples have. If a couple have not been having as much sex as they’d like and they take an exceptionally relaxed holiday, they may find things very easily coming right. If the stress which had been in the way of intimacy was to do with work and domestic triggers, then being protected from that stress could make all the difference. As their two nervous systems calm down, they are physically and emotionally available to each other and desire may re-emerge. As they re-establish the channel on which they used to exchange erotic messages, arousal will return and the possibility of excitement (and comfort) in their own and each other’s bodies. If a couple’s sex life has faded because of stress within the relationship, then being away together could make this worse. When one or both partners is disappointed in the relationship and they can find no way to explore this kindly, then spending more time together may actually increase the divide between them. If one partner has already detached, then a holiday may present ideal opportunities for an affair which might be an ‘easy’ way of exiting the relationship. Surveys suggest that holidays are a significant source of affairs though staying home may dicy as the workplace is probably the biggest generator of infidelity. Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck? By Anne Power, published by Confer Books 2022

Scott Fitzgerald wrote: “The more you try to run away from yourself, the more you’ll have yourself with you.”

What is the secret of a long and contented attachment?

Finding contributors and keeping them safe