EFT
EFT
Emotionally.Focused.Couple.Therapy
Research confirms what common knowledge holds, that a long-term loving bond provides a platform for individuals to flourish and is perhaps the best way we know to meet our key needs for security and intimacy.
Attachment and EFT - Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy is an approach pioneered by Sue Johnson and is clearly and engagingly explained in her book 'Hold me Tight'
Attachment theory emerged in the second half of the last century through the work of John Bowlby. It describes an evolutionary process by which even very young babies adapt their behaviour to get the best care they can in their given family. If the main caregiver is uncomfortable with shows of emotion, then the child learns to keep feelings under wraps. If a parent is sometimes available and responsive but at other times seems switched off, then a child is more likely to develop a loud and insistent strategy. The baby has learnt that their parent is capable of responding ‘if only I can get and keep their attention’. These early attachment styles tend to stay with us and surface in any adult couple relationships. The first of those patterns is avoidant (withdrawing) and the second is anxious-preoccupied (pursuing). Very often couples are made up of a Pursuer and a Withdrawer - the old adage is true – we are attracted to opposites.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nnxr9nU53eo
The majority of couples, heterosexual or same sex, experience a Pursuer-Withdrawer cycle to some degree. Some couples trigger each other very easily and have difficulty repairing ruptures. The customary coping mechanism of each is actually a provocation to the other - the one insistent and intense, the other cool and distant. The pursuer is thinking, “I can make this relationship work if only I can get my message across”. Their partner, the Withdrawer is convinced, “I can keep the relationship steady so long as I stay in my safe zone” [which means keeping clear of vulnerable feelings].
People often wonder if this Pursuer-Withdrawer distinction is not just a matter of gender but if we look carefully at different couples, we can notice that women can be avoidant and men can be preoccupied. However it is also true that social conditioning tends to amplify preoccupied traits in women and avoidants characteristics in men.
In working with EFT I aim to give particularly careful attention to this Pursuer-Withdrawer dynamic and to the powerful attachment feelings - sometimes old ones - which run beneath the surface. A first sign of progress comes when the partners are able to observe their process, to catch themselves when the cycle takes off and say, “We’re getting caught up in that trap again”.
The majority of couples, heterosexual or same sex, experience a Pursuer-Withdrawer cycle to some degree. Some couples trigger each other very easily and have difficulty repairing ruptures. The customary coping mechanism of each is actually a provocation to the other - the one insistent and intense, the other cool and distant. The pursuer is thinking, “I can make this relationship work if only I can get my message across”. Their partner, the Withdrawer is convinced, “I can keep the relationship steady so long as I stay in my safe zone” [which means keeping clear of vulnerable feelings].
People often wonder if this Pursuer-Withdrawer distinction is not just a matter of gender but if we look carefully at different couples, we can notice that women can be avoidant and men can be preoccupied. However it is also true that social conditioning tends to amplify preoccupied traits in women and avoidants characteristics in men.
In working with EFT I aim to give particularly careful attention to this Pursuer-Withdrawer dynamic and to the powerful attachment feelings - sometimes old ones - which run beneath the surface. A first sign of progress comes when the partners are able to observe their process, to catch themselves when the cycle takes off and say, “We’re getting caught up in that trap again”.
How can EFT help couples? – Conversation with Gulya Diyarova
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