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This calendar will continue with daily reflections for the end of the year. Then, in the first week of the new year, there will be daily insights from nature to help us attune mindfully to our world. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

I hope this Christmas narrative is coherent and perhaps many of us can recognise aspects of tension which can show up in our homes. If you are facing some really tough couple or family dynamics I wish you well. It's the hardest time of the year to feel sad or lonely. #inlaws #familiesatchristmas #avoidantattachment

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

People with an avoidant attachment strategy may be more comfortable giving than receiving it. They may be very good at providing ‘instrumental care’ but struggle to give emotional support because it puts them in touch with their own needs. Hence the classic value of the offer of a cup of tea – it’s a code: we do care but we won’t go digging. My previous post has more on this theme of avoidant attachment and care-giving. #avoidantattachment #gooddeeds #caregiving

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

Avoidant partners sometimes get judged as uncaring but they are often very practical in the ways they show care. Watch out for a post soon which will reflect on this tendency to give 'instrumental care'. #avoidantattachment #christmaspresents #caregiving

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

This couple are a bit insecure and don’t find it easy to manage feelings. It was great that on this occasion they interrupted themselves as they were building to a fight. They both relaxed when they came back 'into' their bodies. With a generous apology, the Christmas spirit was restored. #pursuerwithdrawercouple #gaycouple #christmasparties

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees #Adventcalendar

I have adjusted the content at and_attachment for the month of December. The dolls will mostly be taking a rest but then coming out in force on Christmas day. As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees

I have adjusted the content at and_attachment for the month of December. The dolls will mostly be taking a rest but then coming out in force on Christmas day. As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees

I have adjusted the content at and_attachment for the month of December. The dolls will mostly be taking a rest but then coming out in force on Christmas day. As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees

I have adjusted the content at and_attachment for the month of December. The dolls will mostly be taking a rest but then coming out in force on Christmas day. As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees

I have adjusted the content at and_attachment for the month of December. The dolls will mostly be taking a rest but then coming out in force on Christmas day. As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees

I have adjusted the content at and_attachment for the month of December. The dolls will mostly be taking a rest but then coming out in force on Christmas day. As this year’s Christmas is coming at a time of intense suffering for many communities, there is the risk of seasonal messages sounding very off-key. I hope the reflections have a depth which makes them appropriate, whilst also bringing some hope. #attachment #hope #trees

Couples who come for therapy very often say they long to rekindle intimacy. The good news is that this is something we can work on. Re-igniting a depth and excitement to their connection is not about finding a pixie-dust recipe, it’s about establishing enough safety so that the partners can risk connecting from a deep part of the self. #intimacy #rekindlingintimacy #deeprelationship #vulnerability

From 1st December I will be posting a daily calendar up to Christmas and after that a daily countdown on the old year. I’ve been painting Christmas trees to give us an image for each day and inside there will be a quotation linked to relationships. I'm particularly hoping it will be helpful in a Christmas season where the fear and pain in the world is building. Because I have Norwegian cousins, I've always known and loved the Christmas tree that stands in central London - an annual gift from the Norwegians remembering that Britain stood by them against occupation. For me a Christmas tree is a symbol of allyship and hope. After Christmas I’ll be continuing with daily posts as a countdown on the old year and an energiser for the one we are entering. #christmastrees #adventcalendar #couplesatchristmas

It’s very hard for this couple to manage any tension. For couples who are unhappy together Christmas can be an incredibly sad time. There is an [inaccurate] sense that other families are all having fun and this really amplifies the loneliness, failure and despair they may feel in their relationships. I’d like to stress that this is a couple who mutually trigger each other and on occasions she also resorts to violence. They would need very good therapy to work through this but there would be hope. In a different type of case, where abuse is unilateral from a more calculating, controlling partner, it may be urgent for the abused partner to remove to a place of safety. Of course violent behaviours are very dangerous, whether reciprocal or not, and in a couples where violence is being used by a partner with greater physical strength, there is extra danger. #disorganisedattachment #Christmasstress #Domesticviolence #sadnessatchristmas

From 1st December I will be posting a daily calendar up to Christmas and after that a daily countdown on the old year. I’ve been painting Christmas trees to give us an image for each day and inside there will be a quotation linked to relationships. I'm particularly hoping it will be helpful in a Christmas season where the fear and pain in the world is building. Because I have Norwegian cousins, I've always known and loved the Christmas tree that stands in central London - an annual gift from the Norwegians remembering that Britain stood by them against occupation. For me a Christmas tree is a symbol of allyship and hope. After Christmas I’ll be continuing with daily posts as a countdown on the old year and an energiser for the one we are entering. If you’ve read this far – I will be posting another flyer – the pictures will be new but the caption will be the same so if you’ve read one flyer you’ve read them all! #christmastrees #adventcalendar #couplesatchristmas

If we press the analogy with a relationship too far, then Camus' words could sound idealising, but there is definitely some kind of harvest for couples who can keep on growing through the years. #autumnleaves #maturerelationships #maturecouple

From 1st December I will be posting an Advent Calendar up to Christmas and after that a daily countdown on the old year. I’ve been painting Christmas trees to give us an image for each day and inside there will be a quotation linked to relationships. I'm particularly hoping it will be helpful in a Christmas season where the fear and pain in the world is building. Because I have Norwegian cousins, I've always known and loved the Christmas tree that stands in central London - an annual gift from the Norwegians remembering that Britain stood by them against occupation. For me a Christmas tree is a symbol of allyship and hope. After Christmas I’ll be continuing with daily posts as a countdown on the old year and an energiser for the one we are entering. If you’ve read this far – I will be posting three more flyers – the pictures will be new but the caption will be the same so if you’ve read one flyer you’ve read them all! #christmastrees #adventcalendar #couplesatchristmas

Like many couples they have complementary attachment strategies: he is more anxious and deals with loss by trying to find relief, or get care, from her – and if not from her, from someone else. She is more avoidant and responds to grief by closing down and trying to put the sadness from her mind. His constant references to their dear dog are torture for her; her grim silence is torture for him. Neither are right here, each is driven deeper into their narrow strategy, (she being more shut off, he being more demanding). Both could learn something from the other. If this couple have children they may both struggle to attune to they ways their kids are grieving – hopefully they will find a way to listen and to model just being with the loss and the mixed feelings it can trigger in us. #couplesgrief #lossofpet #attachmentstrategies #pursuerwithdrawer MUSIC Libeccio 1.28 https://uppbeat.io/t/dominique-charpentier/libeccio

Here’s a secure couple having a difficult conversation. They are both uncomfortable and they know this is hard for their partner. They listen to each other and try to accommodate what really matters to the other. Most important of all – they do have the conversation! They don’t just leave this all unsaid. #heterosexualcouple #blackcouple #securecouple #onedepressedpartner

It’s normal in couples that at times one or the other is low and needs extra support. Things go well if both individuals are able to step up when needed but also to allow their partner to support them. Knowing you can rely on your partner to be there provides great safety in which both partners can grow. When both partners are in good shape, that’s great, when both are depleted then the bond will be most challenged. #reciprocalcouples #caregiving #supportivemarriage

Fortunately any of us can prepare for relationships as the best place to start is in attending to how we treat ourselves - pehraps rather strictly in some ways and more indulgently in others? #relationshiptoself #relationshipready #singles #attachmentstyles

This white heterosexual couple are conflict avoidant and this could explain how their sexual connection has got lost. #lossofsexualdesire #lossofintimacy #avoidantattachment

Our attachment style has a great impact on the way we grieve. People with avoidant traits are likely to underplay their loss and may push through grief by being active. Those who are more anxiously attached can get stuck in grief, as though their investment in the lost person must be kept unchanged. #grief #loss #attachmentandloss #typesofgrief

Indonesian Wedding Dolls – contemporary These beautiful dolls are given to wish harmony and prosperity on the couple. There seems to be something quite severe as well as celebratory about these delicate figures. It’s fascinating how the couple relationship is celebrated with different emphasis in every culture. Even though the ways of choosing a mate vary from random romance to arranged marriage, the relationship being prized seems always to be a lasting attachment bond. If the relationship becomes securely established the two partners will feel safety through being close and loss through being separated. #weddings #Indonesia #dolls #attachmentbond

I'm taking the opportunity at Halloween to line up all the doll pairs in one place. Do follow their stories to hear how they cope with their different combinations of attachment patterns. #attachmentpatterns #Halloween #dollshalloween #dollphotography Music: Brugge by Dominique-Charpentier

This is a pretty secure couple and between them they have enough resilience to weather the ups and downs that life serves them. He wasn’t loving doing this baking and being barked at but she’s normally a tower of strength so he was glad to step up and be her support. #halloween #dollshalloween #securecouple

This couple are gradually becoming more polarised into an unhappy Pursuer-Withdrawer fit. Neither has the skills for helping them when they get into conflict. #halloween #dollshalloween #avoidantattachment #anxiousattachment

This couple have always had quite a rigid Pursuer-Withdrawer fit. They/Them doesn’t acknowledge that they speak in abrupt, sharp ways, they forget how their words can cut into their partner. She/Her switches between trying to appease her partner and biting back. The combination often spirals into a bad fight. It's very painful for them that they have not yet found the help they probably need to slow this cycle down and connect through their vulnerable selves. Hashtags #halloween #dollshalloween #avoidantattachment #anxiousattachment

Being able to disagree and risk having an argument, is a mark of secure attachment. This couple face many challenges and because they are securely attached, they can negotiate these. Sometimes they get mean with each other but are able to acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused and to repair. #securecouple #coupleconflict #lesbiancouple #makingup

Couples may have a distinct pursuer-withdrawer cycle in their sexual relationship. Sometimes the avoidant partner is the one wanting more. Whatever the pattern, being able to speak about it without reproach is likely to help. #touch #tactile #avoidantpatterns #anxiouspatterns

They’re facing a typical challenge in the life of any couple – how to negotiate their different choices. If they can pause long enough to acknowledge the experience that each is having, they’ll be on the way to a good resolution. #gaycouple #negotiatingskills #FOMO

Here is the secure-ish couple – he is a bit depressed and has more avoidant traits, she is pretty securely attached but can get triggered. They are very considerate of each other. #securecouple #holidaychoice #onedepressedpartner #blackcouple

When partners feel very disappointed in their relationship they sometimes express that in terms of acts of love not being provided: flowers, presents and practical support. The last of these is particularly important but I think the missing piece is often much simpler - it's the kindly tone of voice, the gentle look and the unsolicited hug which go a long way towards telling us that we are valued. #hugs #actsoflove #couplecounselling

This couple have some secure attachment so they can both regulate themselves and each other most of the time. Their very understandable fears for their daughter derailed them briefly. When she happened to come in they both switched into grown up self and from there they had no trouble negotiating a constructive way forward. #boundaries #parentaldifference #coupleconflict # raisingsecurekids Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/dominique-charpentier/barfleur License code: MSEAQYGBJ1H2CRG9

As our attachment styles influence all key behaviours it’s no surprise that they show up in how we fight and how we make love. Quote taken from my book 'Contented Couples' which is available now. #understandingsex #attachmentstyles #couplesfight

The more avoidant partner (they/them) is bewildered by the response of their partner (she/her). With their avoidant strategy, they carry an assumption that others like to be left alone as much as they do. Keeping themselves to themselves was a survival strategy and like all avoidant partners they have to work hard to remember that their partner may need more active, explicit signs of connection. #pursuewithdrawcycle #avoidantattachment #nonbionarycouple

When partners can share their experience of their relationship with each other, this can help create a deep and strong connection. However much is put into words, there will still be unconscious layers which cannot be spoken and which impact the couple bond. This is all part of the richness and alchemy between two souls. Quote taken from my book 'Contented Couples' which is available now. #unconsciousprocess #coupledynamics #coupledepths

Here’s a lesbian couple – one is more avoidant, tending to withdraw and the other more anxious, tending to pursue. Their two attachment strategies can trigger each other. They get into escalating cycles and in this case the avoidant partner came in really needing a loving and welcoming greeting from her partner, but being avoidant, it’s hard for her even to know she wants that, let alone to let her partner know. #complementaryattachmentstrategies #attachmenttriggers #insecureattachment #lesbiancouple

Even in the wooden doll format this scene is painful to watch. Both partners are so unhappy and their behaviors directly disguise their inner turmoil. Her jaunty, cocky, tone is the opposite of the fear she feels and his aggression is equally a mask for how small and unimportant he feels. #relationshiphelp #interculturalcouples #disorganisedattachment #traumapast

It’s fascinating that the most fluffy and quixotic thing in the world – falling in love – has a serious practical purpose! And it can be measured scientifically in brain scans and neurotransmitters. Quote taken from my book 'Contented Couples' which is available now. #fallinginlove #limerence #evolution

TEDX event in Twickenham 11th November 2023. Follow six speakers telling diverse stories on the theme of connection. I'll be speaking about attachment theory and its impact across the decades. #attachmenttheory #TEDX #TEDXwaldegrave

They already feel resentful and over the years this may harden. She may be a bit more communicative and will begin to send out passive-aggressive messages – quite unintentionally. He will feel got at and will begin to nurse his own grievance about that. They will continue to avoid open conflict but beneath the surface a bitter duel will be fought. #coupleroles #conflictavoidant #insecureattachment #samesexroles

Caption She is already resentful and over the years this may harden. She will begin to send out passive-aggressive messages – quite unintentionally. He will feel got at and will begin to nurse his own grievance about that. They will continue to avoid open conflict but beneath the surface a bitter duel will be fought. #coupleroles #conflictavoidant #insecureattachment #samesexroles

Depression could have different meanings in a couple if it existed prior to the relationship, or developed since the two people got together. Either way there is likely to be a systemic as well as an individual meaning to the low mood in one partner. #depression #couplehelp #couplerelationship

Birthdays and Christmas or any day when an anxious partner might especially long to feel they are treasured, are potential minefields in an anxious/ avoidant relationship. These events begin to feel like tests – the anxiously attached person is longing for a sign that they really matter to their partner, the avoidant one is in dread that they will be judged a disappointment. #birthdaydisappointment #testoflove #insecureattachment #gaycouple #finewine Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/night-drift/lilac License code: ZPVWODSWSYYBQYZT

Reflections on a pillow: sleep, sex and difficulties around sex. In contrast to an earlier pillow image, in this pillow the imprint of a head is clean, suggesting perhaps a peaceful sleeper but the sheets around are thoroughly messed up which could mean there was sex before sleep. We have no idea what sort of sex – whether this is a couple who can talk about how they make love, whether the pleasure was sustained or the satisfaction mutual. Most couples are private about how they interact in the bedroom but there are patterns which become familiar to couple therapists. When a couple come in saying they never fight and in most respects get on tremendously well, they often report a loss of sex. It can seem like a puzzle when partners both say they want to make love but neither actually makes the first move. Part of the key could be the lack of distance between them – they may have achieved togetherness at the expense of autonomy. Secure attachment happens most reliably between two separate, individuated people. With thanks to @michaelcorkrey for this beautiful image - oil on Khadi Paper. Michael currently has a show open in Dulwich @janenewberydulwich 84 Dulwich Village, London SE21 7AJ. #art #meaninginart #sexualrelationship #lossofsexlife

In my last post we saw a gay couple, happy in bed. There is a cliché that long-term lesbian couples tend to lose interest in sex, gay men have the greatest sexual appetites and heterosexual couples are somewhere in between. Like many cliches there is some truth in this generalisation but the interesting thing is what might create these differentials? Those who believe men have a higher sex drive have an easy explanation: men need lots of sex and push for it. Those of us who believe that women have been socialised to be quieter about their sexual appetite would see the explanation as more nuanced. Difficulties in sex have much in common across different types of couples. Some factors date from our past and we carry them within us. Sometimes there are triggers in the environment – like stress. Often there are further factors which cause a problem to be ongoing – for example there may be a benefit to one partner in not having sex (if they had not been enjoying sex). For any one couple there will be myriad specific factors affecting their sexual relationship. These include: • Their earliest messages about sex • Their earliest sexual encounters • Sexual trauma • Physical health • Side effects of mediation • The emotional state of the relationship – eg harmony / simmering anger • Emotional health of each individual • Capacity to attune to each other’s needs and willingness to attend to these • Capacity to know and share their own desires These last two factors depend to a large extent on being able to speak about sex. Even for young people in Anglo Saxon cultures, talking about sex can be hard. Because sex has not been so permitted or straight forward for gay people, they have often developed more comfort in talking about it and that is a huge bonus in a relationship. #gaysex #psychosexual #lesbianandgay

It’s a myth that gay men always have lots of sex, but sex does work for this couple, even though the anxious one needs more cuddles and the avoidant one has a greater need for excitement. #gaysex #gaycouple #attachmentstyles #couplesandsex

He just wants five minutes space to regulate himself. She just wants a partner who shows he cares. Both of these needs are completely valid. This couple with their complementary attachment patterns are not alone. If this resonates with you please leave thoughts and questions in the comments. #avoidantattachment #anxiousattachment #complementaryattachment #differentattachmentstyles

Growing and learning are inherently rewarding for couples and are most attainable when we have a secure attachment figure. #secureattachment #couplestrengths  #coupleskills

With good wishes to all getting married this summer. #justmarried #engaged #weddingday

Couples often wonder if affairs can be healed and of course 'it all depends'. It's true that repairing after an affair can sometimes mean a couple build back better. This would apply if the affair was essentially an inefficient way to wave a red flag, and both partners are able to acknowledge something that had been building up for while. In contrast, some affairs are lazy way of getting out of a relationship. And between those two are countless other meanings. Discerning the significance of an affair is delicate work. #affairs #attachmentwounds #attachmentrepair

'Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck?' is based on interviews with couples eighteen couples who made love last and who came from very different traditions. The book gives us the chance to eavesdrop on these contented couples and to reflect on our own relationships and attachment styles. This wedding day couple seem to have reliable attachment bond – just the presence of the other is a comfort. Perhaps they’ve read the book (or perhaps they feature in it). #justgotengaged #bridetobe2024 #weddingplanner #newlyweds #gaywedding These great dolls are made by @janes_iw

Care-seeking skills can be learnt and honed. If we don't pay attention, the risk is that anxious partners may express their requests as criticism or complaint and avoidant partners tend not to put their requests into words at all. #avoidantpatterns #anxiouspatterns #caregiving

This secure couple are having a difficult conversation about in-laws. Their secure attachment helps them to have this conversation in the first place, and then to listen and speak in ways which help them through a minefield.   #selfawareness  #nonviolentcommunication #secureattachment #nvc #securecouple #coupleconversations

Reflections on a pillow: sleep, sex and insomnia. With thanks to @michaelcorkrey for this beautiful image - oil on Khadi Paper   #poorsleep #art #coupletherapy #secureattachment

Here are two avoidantly attached singles on a first date. People with avoidant attachment have as deep a need to connect as others, it’s just that they also have an often conflicting need for space in order to feel safe. #avoidantattachment #conflictavoidant #firstdate #datingwisdom

This is how a secure couple operate – neither wants to make a mountain out of a molehill. They know how to offer a thoughtful apology. #securecouple #attachmentpatterns #blackcouple #apology

Here is the non-binary doll couple who have to cope with a recurring dynamic between their avoidant and anxious attachment patterns. #pursuewithdrawcycle #escalatingfights #disappointedcouple #anxiousattachment #avoidantattachment #nonbionarycouple

Attachment to a disturbed person is often the most adhesive and sometimes it is hard to understand why a person would stay in a very troubled relationship, such as that of the two dolls in the last post. Bowlby helped us see that all behavior makes sense in context. Whichever trauma response is used, this was the best way that person learnt, in their particular family, to deal with horror. These burrs are very sticky due to their thousands of tiny hooks. For an adult in an abusive relationship, it’s just like this. They are held, and they are holding on, to something which is out of awareness. That ‘something’ is in fact a part of their child self which got lost and left behind in their parental abuser, and so to walk away from a dysfunctional adult relationship could mean giving up on that lost part of self. Bowlby’s colleague Mary Main described disorganized attachment as ‘fright without solution’ as the child is terrified of the very person towards from whom they hope to turn for safety. The dilemma is impossible – do I seek comfort from my parent, or flee this enemy? This horrible oscillation lives on in the adult leading them to be erratic in relationships. Have you felt conflicted in what to say to a friend who is in a concerning relationship? Please share ideas if you would like to. #attachmentstyles #relationshiphelp #dysregulatedcouple #disorganisedattachment #traumapast #intimatepartnerviolence

This het couple have just had a fight. Both had been shouting abusively and then he kicked a table and a vase broke. The shock interrupted the rising tide of aggression, they are momentarily speechless and, in a minute, he will storm out. When he comes back in a few hours the fight may kick off again, or, they could make love and fall asleep. They live with great uncertainty – unable to predict responses in the other or in the self. They are both living with very tangled internal worlds where sudden currents of feelings sometime pick them up and hurl them about. Their childhood homes were full of conflict and they had no help with managing difficult feelings. They are living with disorganised attachment and it distorts so much of their relationship, laying landmines under the simplest encounter. Being an intercultural couple gives them extra stress from the white neighbourhood they live in. What might help this couple? The next post will describe a bit more about high conflict couples. #attachmentstyles #relationshiphelp #interculturalcouple #dysregulated #disorganisedattachment #PTSD #traumapast #violentcouple #intimatepartnerviolence

The true believers (I’m one of them) say attachment is a function that developed because it had an evolutionary benefit. This means that in a core sense it is universal, though the way that gets expressed in different cultures definitely varies. Just as couples and families can show love in different ways, there are variances in what secure attachment looks like in different cultures. The core ingredients of secure attachment: accessible, responsive and reliable do not change. In the last post we heard how secure attachment is a huge help to a couple who live with significant difference. Diversity can be enriching and fascinating but when we feel insecure it can easily threaten and dysregulate us. When we are most insecure we can experience difference as a kind of accusation and then distressed internal voices may start speaking to us. Any areas where one partner has more and the other less, can generate difficult feelings. On top of the actual inequality comes the effort to ignore the issue, and then an extra layer of discomfort about an elephant in the room. Diversity is generally about issues over which we have little or no choice – age, race, culture, class, beauty, health and intelligence. #diversity #attachment #couples #relationshiphelp

Here are the secure lesbian couple who have to deal with a lot of difference. The older partner, Tartan, has rheumatoid arthritis. She copes with the pain but she often needs to rest. Red trouser doll is looking in to see how she’s doing. They had a fight earlier when Red trouser doll could see Tartan was in pain and wanted to help. Tartan was angry - she’s an artist and she can’t hold the brushes when her RA flares up. She was angry with her illness, with her body and perhaps with her partner just for being fit and healthy. But they are securely attached and can calm down and begin to think again after being escalated. Tartan apologises for taking out her frustration on Red; Red voices her distress at feeling so unable to make things better and acknowledges she sometimes reacts to her helplessness by imposing help whether or not it’s wanted. They both feel heavy sadness about Tartan’s illness and the losses it brings, but their sense of connection is deep and this does provide comfort without reducing the pain. [The next post has more reflections about how diversity works in a couple] #lesbiancouple #chronicillness #longtermillness #rheumatoidarthritis #agedifference #samesexrelationship #gayrelationship #lesbianrelationship #whitecouple #carers

Here is a dating couple. Did they just happen to meet on this bench in their local trendy art gallery or, is it a planned first date and they booked to meet here for a talk on Matisse? Perhaps she was reading quietly when he sat down and pretended interest in his book whilst actually gazing at her. Either way he is showing more overt attraction and she appears to be engrossed in her book. This could be the traditional game which heterosexual couples often play, the woman still feeling it’s her role not to show desire. Or this could be an early sign of their attachment strategies: she appears more avoidant and he more open in his bid for connection. In traditionally gendered couples the pursuer-withdrawer cycle can get reversed. A man can often be avoidant, but in terms of the physical relationship still be the pursuer; the woman may be anxiously attached but when it comes to sex, may be the withdrawer. Do we see him as secure with an appropriately warm interest, or is he more anxiously pursuing her? Perhaps they are a year into their relationship and had agreed to read whilst they wait for the lecture but he is not comfortable with the quietness and wants attention. Soon she may feel pestered….. or she may look up and smile. #dating #datingtips #datingadvice #attachmentanddating #improvemyrelationship

What is the attachment style in this couple? One Agapanthus bloom is more developed and they are different colours. What happens in human couples when there is difference of ideas, of fortune, of status, income, education or health? It can be hard to handle difference, and certainly unfairness, within a couple. But secure attachment is not about always being on the same page but about how a couple cope when they aren’t. Difference between partners works when there is curiosity and the will to carry on getting to know the other. When there is too much sameness then there is no space across which we can connect The poet Thom Gunn put it better when he described the fate of Philemon and Baucis - a married couple, turned into intertwining trees by the gods. We hear how in becoming enmeshed, they lost the vigour that had kept their exchanges ‘salty’ They found, with loves balancing equally, Full peace of mind. They put unease behind them A long time back, a long time back forgot How each woke separate through the pale grey night, A long time back forgot the days when each —Riding the other’s nervous exuberance— Knew the slow thrill of learning how to love What, gradually revealed, becomes itself, Expands, unsheathes, as the keen rays explore: Invented in the continuous revelation.They have drifted into a perpetual nap, The peace of trees that all night whisper nothings.Philemon and Baucis by Thom Gunn#poetry #ThomGunn #agapanthus #flowers #gardening #development

#chores #securecouple #onesecurepartner #depression #onedepressedpartner #blackcouple

They will both be leaving for work in forty minutes, she is preparing a dish to go in the oven for supper. She’d placed the plates by the toaster hoping he might make them both a slice of toast but he is relying on her to have time to do that. He likes to be undisturbed in the mornings as he reads his book [They do live in 2023 but I haven’t got hold off a doll-sized laptop – yet]. Does she mind? And if so, how does she convey that to him? This couple are conflict-avoidant. They both prefer to keep feelings very tightly managed and any fighting could threaten that tight protection they are operating against vulnerable attachment longings. This fear of conflict impacts adversely on their care-seeking skills. She can’t ask outright if he could make toast for them both because she imagines he may be displeased by the request. Equally when he wants to fall asleep and she has the light on to read he can’t let her know how tired he is. To their friends they can look like an ideal couple because they never argue, but the reality is that they live very streamlined lives, where spontaneity and intimacy have faded away. They are steady but have no flexibility and an external misfortune could knock them over. See the next post where the ‘secure-ish couple’ also face a gender inequality but are able to address it in a collaborative way. #attachmentstrategies #EFT #conflictavoidant #withdrawers #pursuers #escalatingcycle #psychoanalysis #attachmentstyles #attachmentpatterns #attachmentresearch #attachmenttheory #insecurity #securebase #safehaven #vulnerability #attachmentbehaviors #attachmentsecurity #whitecouple #genderroles #gender #chores #domestic #woodendolls #whitecouple #hetcouple #conflictavoidant #falseselfcouple #withdrawwithdraw #shallowrelationship #avoidantcouple #chores

Here’s a secure-ish couple, they’ve had a lovely Saturday with friends and on returning home one felt in the mood for sex, the other not. Things went frosty as they sat down after supper. Guy With a Tie (Tie) had his arm around his partner, but as he leaned close, his partner, (No Tie) subtly arched away. Tie then turned to offer a full-on kiss and No Tie turned right away in a clear rejection. Tie stood up swearing quietly that he was not even allowed to touch No Tie, what was wrong with him? And then left the room. No Tie sighed deeply and in doing so realised that some deep breaths really would help (neurochemistry working here to bring down the anxious heart rate), and then recognised that they were doing that thing again – the cycle that the two get caught in. No Tie guy has quite secure attachment and can often sooth himself and his partner enough to create the space for them to both to think and to build back. #samesex #unequaldesire #sex #gayrelationship #gaymenrelationship #gaymalecouple #securegaycouple #anxiousattachment #samesexrelationship #gaymen #gayrelationship #lesbianrelationship

Introducing five couples who whose stories will be coming up in these posts. Over weeks to come we’ll hear how they cope with daily life and the way their varied attachment patterns play out. THE BLACK HETEROSEXUAL PAIR are also secure-ish in their relationship. She has secure attachment and he is more avoidant and quite often depressed. They can get into a cycle where she tries to ‘buck him up’ but mostly she can tolerate his absence and empathise. They are black British. THE PALE MANNEQUIN PAIR ARE TWO GAY MEN. The guy in a tie is pretty securely attached, his partner is more anxiously attached. Mostly his secure partner can regulate them both but sometimes they get triggered. They are white British. THE WHITE NON-BINARY COUPLE are not so secure. The partner in a cardigan is quite avoidant and their partner is quite anxiously attached. They do get into quite escalated cycles of pursue and withdraw. Cardigan doll is from Sweden and their partner is from Mexico. THE WHITE HETERSEXUAL COUPLE are conflict avoidant. All seems smiles but this is really a stiff upper lip and we will hear about the hurt and protest which goes unspoken but impacts the relationship. They are white British. THE DYSREGULATED COUPLE are a high conflict heterosexual pair. She is of Asian heritage and he is white. They both have trauma in their past and the both pursue and withdraw, getting into some horrible fights which can become physical. THE LESBIAN COUPLE. This couple have to manage a lot of diversity so it’s fortunate that they are both securely attached. Tartan trouser doll has a white British father and a British Asian Mother; Red trouser doll is Polish and from a less socially privileged family. Tartan trouser doll is ten years older and lives with a chronic illness which has aged her further. #anxiousattachment #anxiousattachment #attachment research #attachmentbehaviors #attachmentpatterns #attachmentsecurity #attachmentstrategies #attachmentstyles #attachmenttheory #avoidantattachment #blackcouple #conflictavoidant #depression #disappointedcouple #EFT #escalating #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #securerelationship #attachment #secureattachment #adultattachment #happycouples #w

#psychoanalysis #attachmentstyles #attachmentpatterns #attachment research #attachmenttheory #insecurity #emotionallyfocusedtherapy Does this picture stir in us a longing to belong (towards), a feeling that we’re not welcome (away) or even a feeling that these people need telling - eg to get out of my way or to be less smug (against). This trio of responses: TOWARDS, AGAINST, AWAY comes from Karen Horney, a Twentieth Century psychoanalyst. Her categories anticipate the groupings which were identified by attachment researchers two decades later. Do we essentially treat the world as: • safe and on our side (secure attachment) • something to escape from (avoidant attachment) • something to set to rights (a less neat description of anxious attachment) Horney’s ideas seem to have less insight into the experience of anxious attachment – the expectation of being abandoned and the consequent need to hold on, but I like the clarity of her attachment trio: TOWARDS, AGAINST, AWAY. For me these describes that internal compass which we each draw on when faced with something new like this group of strangers on a beach. Artist: Paula Nightingale

Fresco of the baker Terentius and his wife Neo AD 50-79 Pompeii: Why is it so touching to see a real, named, couple from two thousand years ago? I think it’s because we recognise in this pair the same mix of strength and vulnerability which we know are the hallmarks of couple relationships through the ages. Bowlby affirmed that we need an attachment relationship, in some form, from cradle to grave. When we have a secure base, we can go forth and achieve in the world. When the world is cruel, we can turn to our safe haven for refuelling. The portrait was painted 30 or 40 years before the terrible destruction of Pompeii so we don’t know if this couple died in the volcanic eruption. They look young and eager and the signs are they are joined in ambition and a sense of achievement. He holds a scroll which suggests he may be accustomed to public speaking and she holds stylus and wax tablet to show that she is equally literate. They are shown standing very close, ready to face the world together but ignorant of the horror to come. #attachmenttheory #securebase #safehaven #vulnerability #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #securerelationship #attachment #secureattachment

It’s a stunning photo entitled London 1975. We know the photographer – Mario de Biasi – and it’s in the collection of Tate Britain and we know the donor, but the family seem unknown and perhaps unconsenting. We cannot tell anything about the attachment experience of these three figures but we know that 70s London was a hostile environment for a black family and so these parents had to contend with danger as they raised their child. Secure attachment in parents helps them be responsive and reliable carers but in a threatening situation, insecure strategies have some benefit. Being hypervigilant could enable a member of a disadvantaged group to spot danger before it escalates. Being avoidant allows us to hide our vulnerability from hostile others. One of the greatest boons of secure attachment is the capacity to regulate our feelings and to help our children manage theirs. That is a blessing in any circumstance. #attachmentstyles #attachmenttheory #attachmentbehaviors #attachmentsecurity #whitedominance

An avoidant withdrawer and an anxious pursuer I think we can see the avoidant’s pain in the blank expression of the doll who has turned their back on their partner. When avoidant people withdraw, they are doing the best they can to regulate themselves. In their minds this is a neutral or even a helpful move. For their abandoned partner who is looking longingly at their back, this is a crushing rejection that longing morphs very swiftly into anger. Before they reached this moment there was likely an escalating cycle: the more one tried to get their partner’s attention, the more the other tried to make space – and vice versa. #attachmentstrategies #EFT #withdrawers #pursuers #escalating cycle #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #securerelationship #attachment

One yellow water lily is leaning on another – perhaps their elegant long necks get tired. In humans this might look like secure attachment, or possibly the leaning lily is anxiously attached, feeling the need to cling on, fearful that their partner’s attention will lapse. The difference is not in the need for support, Bowlby described a life long need for a secure base and safe haven. The difference is in the degree of reciprocity. Can the lilies take turns so that each gets a chance both to give and to receive support? #attachmentpattern #EFT #reciprocal #interdependence #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #securerelationship

#attachment #securerelationship #fineart #impressionist #attachmenttheory #Vuillard #impressionist The painter leaves us to imagine their expressions. Perhaps our own knowledge of secure attachment, or our longing for it, leads us to read this as a little girl feeling safe with her father. Bowlby described how we form attachment to a person who is ‘stronger and wiser’. This is an evolutionary imperative explained by science and captured here by the artist.

#attachmentfigure #attachmentstrategy #parenting #attachmenttheory #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #securerelationship #attachment During challenging times with children, a parent can either dig in and serve up an added dose of their customary strategy (most often some version of pursuit or withdrawal), or they can dig deep and find out what is really going on inside themselves. From Contented Couples by Anne Power Photo – Caleb Oquendo

Wild flowers but growing in a garden - Nature AND Nurture. Attachment Theory also ticks both boxes, exploring and explaining how humans have an instinct for loving connections but that instinct needs cherishing. #naturenurture #attachment #humannature #hamptoncourt #wildflowers

#attachmentbehavior #ethology #speciesspecific #attachmenttheory #attachmentparenting #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #securerelationship #attachment #secureattachment #adultattachment #happycouples Attachment theory was built on the study of animal behaviours – ducklings are born knowing they must follow the first thing they see that moves. Humans are born going ’Ahh’ when we see loving connections.

#cats #inscrutable #avoidantattachment #attachmenttheory #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #securerelationship #attachment #secureattachment #adultattachment #happycouples #happyrelationships #healthyrelationships #relationships #coupletherapy #improvemyrelationship #relationshipgoals #mentalhealth #attachmenttheory #diverserelationships #couplegoals #therapygoals #love #communication #psychology #relationship #couplerelationship #coupledynamics #pursuerwithdrawer #marriage People say cats are avoidant and dogs are anxiously attached. It’s true that avoidant attachment can make people very reserved so that it’s hard to read their feelings, but as we see here, avoidant beings have just as rich an emotional life.

#attachmentstyles #avoidantattachment #withdrawal #pursuer #EFT #cycleofconflict #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #securerelationship #attachment #secureattachment #adultattachment #happycouples #happyrelationships #healthyrelationships #relationships #coupletherapy #improvemyrelationship #relationshipgoals #mentalhealth #attachmenttheory #diverserelationships #couplegoals #therapygoals #love #communication #psychology When couples get together there is usually a mild Pursuer-Withdrawer fit and this can escalate over time. If we learn to recognise our own triggers, we can moderate our attachment behaviours and thus be less triggering for our partner.

#gender #attachment #pursuer #avoidantattachment #menattachment #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #securerelationship #attachment #secureattachment #adultattachment #happycouples #happyrelationships #healthyrelationships #relationships #coupletherapy #improvemyrelationship #relationshipgoals #mentalhealth #attachmenttheory #diverserelationships #couplegoals #therapygoals #love #communication #psychology #woodendoll #relationship #couplerelationship #coupledynamics #pursuerwithdrawer #marriage Attachment Myth: men are avoidant and women are anxiously attached. Sometimes this appears true because gender conditioning amplifies certain attachment behaviours according to our assigned sex.

#connection #couples #cooperation #coupletherapy #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #securerelationship #attachment #secureattachment #adultattachment #happycouples #happyrelationships #relationship #couplerelationship #coupledynamics #pursuerwithdrawer #marriage#healthyrelationships #relationships #coupletherapy #improvemyrelationship #relationshipgoals #mentalhealth #attachmenttheory #diverserelationships #couplegoals #therapygoals #love #communication #psychology When couples come for therapy, this is one of the most common things they say: We used to feel like a team and I long for that again.

#attachmentbond #attachmentlonging #securerelationships #coupledynamics #emotionallyfocusedtherapy #securerelationship #attachment #secureattachment #adultattachment #happycouples #happyrelationships #healthyrelationships #relationships #coupletherapy #woodendoll #relationship #couplerelationship #coupledynamics #pursuerwithdrawer #marriage#improvemyrelationship #relationshipgoals #mentalhealth #attachmenttheory #diverserelationships #couplegoals #therapygoals #love #communication #psychology If partners invest meaning in their relationship of course this heightens their determination to work at it. We can think of this shared investment as a third force whose sum is more than its parts. From Contented Couples by Anne Power