53eee804

Singles – How can people get ready for a relationship?

Wed, 31 Aug 2022 08:45:00 GMT

In my interviews with contented couples I heard from several people who explained that previous relationships had floundered because they had not been ready for a mutual and lasting bond. They needed to grow and develop themselves in order to make a better choice and also, crucially, to bring a more mature self to the table. One interviewee had been determined to approach her next relationship with care and so when she got together with her next partner and they spoke about marriage, she insisted on their going to a marriage preparation course. Her partner was initially against this but then found it so worthwhile he suggested that they sign up to be mentors for the next intake of couples. Another interviewee spoke of taking some years off from relationships to take stock of herself – and used journaling and relationship workshops to support that aim. She described coming to her next relationship (the lasting one she was in) with a different set of expectations – no longer looking for a needy person to care for, no longer needing to have that maternal role which had always worn thin within a few years.

Journaling, workshops and marriage preparation classes are all ways we could get to know ourselves better and this is a key step in loving ourselves better. Journaling has been used across the centuries by people who want to know themselves better and is tool available to anyone: How to start journaling. Treating ourself with loving kindness does not mean excusing whatever we come up with, but, like a good parent, responding with kindness at the same time as holding ourselves to account. This kindness to self allows us to make friends with ourselves and when the war between parts of the self is damped down there will be more integration, less to hide and more self-esteem.

Almost every psychological and spiritual path encourages self-knowledge and self-acceptance, which means there are many places we can turn to find support and accompaniment in that process. Learning to listen honestly to the self is also key and for some discernment we need to learn stillness and the capacity to be with difficult feelings as they arise in us. This capacity to stay close to our experience and observe it equips us to distinguish between developmental and defensive parts of the self. Perhaps a developmental part of me can be curious about things I find difficult – be that managing my temper, keeping up with my share of the domestic jobs, or handling my disappointment about things outside of my control. A defensive part of me is not really interested in owning my behaviour and understanding how, at some level, it serves me. That part thinks it can protect me by excusing me and laying the responsibility elsewhere.

The contented couples in my study all demonstrated the developmental urge to discover more about themselves and their partner. They had lapses of course and they all described how they could get caught in escalating cycles if they responded in a knee-jerk way to triggers. One couple were especially clear about how much they valued this quality of responsibility in each other and cited this as the key quality they felt had enabled them to be fulfilled as a couple. As they put it:

I think both of us are willing to take responsibility for our own stuff. Maybe not at first [laughing] maybe there’s some defensiveness or not wanting to look at stuff at first, but I think ultimately that’s in there – that both of us are willing to see our part in it - that it takes two to tango and it’s not just the other person’s problem.

Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck?

By Anne Power, published by Confer Books 2022

Summer School 3/3: You can leave home but the relationship goes with you

Wed, 27 Jul 2022 11:28:15 GMT

Scott Fitzgerald wrote: “The more you try to run away from yourself, the more you’ll have yourself with you.” He was speaking to individuals but we might argue this is even more true for couples. Sometimes a holiday can take an unhappy couple into a new zone where they enjoy each other for the two-week break, but this is unlikely to be a really developmental shift. In the new location when all the normal daily cues are removed, both partners may persuade themselves that things are fine. But if they use the activity, the drinking and the entertainment as a way of trying to pretend ‘we’re good’, then they are actually much less likely to become so.

Let’s imagine that this couple have been together four or five years, they’re thinking about children but both are also concerned about how much they fight these days and how rarely they make love. They booked a holiday because that’s what they always do but both were secretly dreading being marooned together and wondering if they really want to have a kid. If they can put some of their fears into words without simultaneously blaming the other, then the holiday might be a breakthrough. For a couple who are really wanting to work on their relationship – to deepen or to repair it - this book by Susan Johnson is a great tool.

Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck?

By Anne Power, published by Confer Books 2022

Summer School 2/3: Holiday sex is better – or not?

Tue, 26 Jul 2022 11:27:49 GMT

Where knowledge is uncertain, myths abound. In one myth couples have more sex on holiday and in another they have less. One of these is probably true but I’m calling them both myths because they claim certainty about a phenomenon which is very hard to measure and thus any claims are suspect. What we can do is look at factors which might mean that holidays impact the amount, and possibly the quality, of sex that couples have.

If a couple have not been having as much sex as they’d like and they take an exceptionally relaxed holiday, they may find things very easily coming right. If the stress which had been in the way of intimacy was to do with work and domestic triggers, then being protected from that stress could make all the difference. As their two nervous systems calm down, they are physically and emotionally available to each other and desire may re-emerge. As they re-establish the channel on which they used to exchange erotic messages, arousal will return and the possibility of excitement (and comfort) in their own and each other’s bodies.

If a couple’s sex life has faded because of stress within the relationship, then being away together could make this worse. When one or both partners is disappointed in the relationship and they can find no way to explore this kindly, then spending more time together may actually increase the divide between them. If one partner has already detached, then a holiday may present ideal opportunities for an affair which might be an ‘easy’ way of exiting the relationship. Surveys suggest that holidays are a significant source of affairs though staying home may dicy as the workplace is probably the biggest generator of infidelity.

Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck?

By Anne Power, published by Confer Books 2022

Contented Couples - Magic, Logic or Luck?

Fri, 22 Jul 2022 13:42:53 GMT

What is the secret of a long and contented attachment?

Book published 2022 with results of a three year research project:

Does it matter whether two partners met by accident, were set up, met online or if their marriage was arranged by family?

Anne Power sits down with eighteen contented couples in the US and the UK to discuss how they found each other and what made it work. We hear from a fifty-year married couple who met when their commuter train got stuck and a young ultra-orthodox Jewish couple whose arranged marriage blossomed into an intense romance. We meet two women who found each other again ten years after their first relationship ended and the pair who married six weeks after meeting.

As well as couples brought together by family arrangement or random romance we meet those introduced deliberately by friends, by agencies, by Telepersonals and finally by the internet. Almost all the couples interviewed had faced major challenges along the way - but their attachment grew and relationships survived. In this book they tell us why.

The author uses some of the questions she puts to new couples in therapy: What does a row look like? How has sex been across the years? Who has grown up the most over their time together? What stopped them from becoming a divorce statistic? Woven through the book are expert, jargon-free explanations of how couples attach, how they fight and how they repair. Each chapter ends with questions which invite us to reflect on our own relationships and to benefit personally from this chance to eavesdrop on contented couples.

Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck?

By Anne Power, published by Confer Books 2022

Summer School 1/3: The Joneses are having more fun

Fri, 22 Jul 2022 10:44:39 GMT

We know we are ‘meant’ to be having fun on holiday and our self-doubt can be fuelled by commercial and social pressures to rate holidays as the pinnacle of our year. If expectations are not met then the disappointment can be great and if the family at the next-door apartment appear to be drinking at a golden fountain, this can hit old wounds about coming second, third or worse.

Feelings of envy and jealousy (they aren’t the same thing but they do overlap) are familiar to almost all of us. There is a simple ratio – the more secure we are in ourselves, the less need we have to mind when other people have more. When we are really comfortable with ourselves, we can take pleasure in other people having, doing and being more. Because feelings are like buses and more than one comes along at once, it’s quite possible to feel contrasting feelings at once. We might feel a combination something like this: pleasure in our neighbour’s amazing good looks, a twinge of jealousy that we are not so endowed and then trailing close behind might be guilt about our bitterness.

The fact that one couple argue more than another does not by itself make that couple ‘less content’. Provided a couple can make up readily and lovingly, the couple who squabble may have more emotional connection than the pair for whom there is never a ripple on the surface. Couples who never fight can look very good and may inspire envy but they could be at risk of a sudden rupture. A couple who are both conflict averse are not attending to some of the real currents which are flowing in their marriage and if they hit a road bump, they may struggle to right themselves. For a couple who bicker, a holiday presents a challenging increase in the junctures where conflict could erupt – there are new decisions to make and less falling back on routine.

As with any uncomfortable feeling, so with envy, there is a paradox – we’d rather ignore it and escape the experience, but the only way to the other side is through the middle. Becoming strong enough to be with our own feelings is a powerful way we can heal ourselves and focusing is a very practical way to set about that.

Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck?

By Anne Power, published by Confer Books 2022

Researching Courtship Stories

Fri, 22 Jul 2022 08:41:16 GMT

Finding contributors and keeping them safe

After many years of working with clients struggling with their relationships, I was keen to hear from contented couples as to how they selected their mate and how they made it work across the decades. I had seen much evidence for the inefficiency of romance and love as a method of choosing a partner and so I was keen to include couples in arranged marriages as well as those who arranged their own relationships, whether through an old-fashioned agency, an online platform or by being set up by a friend.

When I set about finding couples willing to share their stories, I knew there would be a long and sometimes delicate process to recruit couples who were willing to give informed consent – however fully anonymised their narratives would be. On a few occasions I was introduced to a couple who were willing to go ahead but I concluded that they might be too vulnerable for the process and not really understanding what was involved. The very process of answering questions and talking in depth about their relationship could have been an unhelpful experience for an unstable couple and this made it very important to seek out contented pairs.

By asking colleagues and friends I was eventually able find a range of couples across the three courtship groups, including same sex couples and those from different cultures. I included eighteen couples in the book – nine from the UK and nine from the US. The focus of my enquiry was what makes a couple contented and what divergence there might be between the three courtship groups. There was not space to focus on any divergence between the British and American group and it is possible some interesting points may have gone unaddressed. One difference which did stand out was the greater readiness of Americans to speak about finance.

Several people have asked me, ‘Why would any sane people sign up to share their story?’ and I think I can answer that quite readily. For a stable couple who enjoy reflecting together on their process, the opportunity to think aloud and focus on their journey, is quite appealing. The couples I spoke to all expressed a degree of pleasure and satisfaction after the interview – they felt it had enabled them to reflect in depth in a way which they found useful and heartening. The conversation helped to underline how much they valued their bond and the investment they had made in it over the years.

Contented Couples: Magic, logic or luck?

By Anne Power, published by Confer Books 2022

When the therapist says 'Goodbye'

Tue, 09 Jul 2019 11:58:30 GMT

53eee804

Singles – How can people get ready for a relationship?

Summer School 3/3: You can leave home but the relationship goes with you

Summer School 2/3: Holiday sex is better – or not?

Contented Couples - Magic, Logic or Luck?

What is the secret of a long and contented attachment?

Summer School 1/3: The Joneses are having more fun

Researching Courtship Stories

Finding contributors and keeping them safe

When the therapist says 'Goodbye'

Forced endings in psychotherapy and psychoanalysis: Attachment and loss in retirement